Just Another Day In Paradise
by The Lark
Summary: Silly stuff involving all of the characters together in the afterlife. FINISHED! Yes, the madness is finally over!
1. Afterlife Insanity

Just Another Day In Paradise  
  
By: The Lark  
  
Disclaimer: Hugo owns Les Miz. God owns Heaven. I own zilch  
  
Another day somewhere on a cloud in Heaven. Valjean, Javert, Fantine, Les Amis, Marius, Cosette, Gavroche, Eponine and every other character you can think of are all happily whiling away the eternities. Well, sort of…  
  
Eponine: *shoves Gavroche irritably* You're sitting on my side of the cloud!  
  
Gavroche: *shoves back* Am not!   
  
Marius: *shakes a finger sternly at the gamin* Now, Gavroche, that's no way to talk to your sister  
  
Cosette: *looks annoyed* I'm getting really sick of you defending her all the time  
  
Marius: *shocked* But dear, she did save my life  
  
Cosette: *accusingly* You love her more than me!  
  
Marius: *digs his feet into the cloud awkwardly* Cosette, please…  
  
Cosette: *rubs her head, looking pained* You're right, I'm being overly suspicious. I'm sorry, it's just that all this awful harp music is getting to me.  
  
Grantaire: *looks up from his "Learn to Play the Harp in Ten Easy Steps" book* Hey, cut me some slack! I'd much rather be playing poker or something, but St. Peter keeps insisting that I take up some "traditional" angel pastimes  
  
Enjolras: *snatches the harp and breaks it in half*   
  
*Everyone cheers joyfully*  
  
Grantaire: *scowls at Enjolras* I can't believe I used to worship you  
  
Enjolras: Oh, shut up! I think, if it's possible, you're even more annoying when you're not drunk.  
  
Javert: *stomps over and whacks them both with his nightstick* Why did I have to get stuck with them? I committed suicide! I'm supposed to be in Hell! *the last sentence is directed upward with a shake of his fist* What kind of foolish God are you?  
  
Valjean: *clamps a hand over Javert's mouth* He doesn't mean it! Really!  
  
Javert: *bites Valjean's hand* I do too!  
  
Valjean: *clutches his hand in pain* YEOW!!!! Fine then! See if I ever try to help you again! First, I try to save your life, and you go and jump into a river; now this! *throws up his hand in frustration*  
  
Cosette: Don't worry about him, Papa. They'll never hold him responsible for his actions. He's obviously exempt because of his psychiatric problems. Depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and so on…  
  
Javert: I DO NOT HAVE PSYCHIATRIC PROBLEMS! WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP SAYING THAT?!  
  
Cosette: Settle down, Inspector. Why don't you have a talk with Combeferre? It might be helpful. He's been reading a lot of new-fangled psychology books lately.   
  
Combeferre: *eagerly puts a pipe in his mouth and sculpts a couch out of a lump of cloud* Yeah, I could use the practice. Who knows, if the big guy ever lets me be re-incarnated, I may open up my own psychiatry practice. It's a great line of work. Good pay, good benefits…*darkens* and you'll never have to follow some compulsive LUNATIC to your DEATH! *looks pointedly at Enjolras*  
  
Enjolras: *defensively* It's not my fault we were horribly outnumbered…and outgunned…and that we had no military training whatsoever…*he looks thoughtful* I guess I could have planned the revolution a little differently. *looks around* What do want? I was twenty-one years old. Most guys that age can't even get into a decent fraternity, let alone overthrow an entire regime!  
  
Fantine: *pats Enjolras on the shoulder consolingly* There, there, Enjolras *humoring him* I'm sure you tried your best  
  
Enjolras: *yanks away* I don't need your pity! I'm an activist-pity is MY job!  
  
Fantine: Really, Enjolras, why must you act so bulletproof all the time?  
  
Enjolras: *sourly* Being shot twelve times at close range can do that to a guy  
  
Fantine: *smiles kindly* I'm sure you don't mean that. Under that fundamentalist façade of yours, there must be a sensitive, poetic soul.  
  
Jehan: *clears his throat* AHEM! That job happens to be taken  
  
Enjolras: *sniffs* Ah, you're the only one who understands me, Fantine. *hugs Fantine*  
  
Fantine: *tenderly kisses Enjolras* Oh, Marcelin…I love you!  
  
Enjolras: I LOVE YOU TOO!  
  
Les Amis: *applaud*  
  
Cosette: *to Enjolras* Are you going to be my new daddy?  
  
Marius: *cries* This is all so beautiful! It reminds me of when I met Cosette  
  
Valjean: *hand his son-in-law a handkerchief* Yeah. *wistful sigh* It sort of makes me wish I wasn't all alone.  
  
*Everyone but Javert goes "Awwww" sympathetically*  
  
Marius: Why didn't you ever get married back on Earth? Girls usually go for dangerous types. And with you being an ex-con and all…  
  
Valjean: Yeah, I know. I actually tried asking a few girls out now and then, but it never worked.  
  
Marius: Why?  
  
Valjean: *sigh* They'd always ask me my name, and I'd never know what to tell them.   
  
Eponine: *nods* I know how that feels. My dad changed our names seventy-three times! Fabantou one week, Jondrette the next, Thenard the next…  
  
Valjean: *intrigued* Really? We should talk some time  
  
Thenardier: *sitting nearby with Mme Thenardier* It was only seventy-one times, you little ingrate!  
  
Eponine: Mama? Papa? What are you doing here?  
  
Mme. Thenardier: *looks nervous* Never mind that.  
  
Eponine: How did you get in? The last I heard, you two were both being sentenced to the eighth circle of Hell for child abuse and extortion  
  
M. Thenardier: *glances around guiltily* Shut up before you-know-who hears! *jerks a thumb skyward*  
  
Eponine: *grins wickedly* Ah, so you broke out again, did you? *cups her hands and yells upward* God! They did it again!  
  
*A large, glowing hand descends and flicks M. and Mme Thenardier off the cloud*  
  
Eponine: *giggles* Hehe. That'll teach 'em to knock us about, eh Gavvy? *playfully nudges Gavroche* Gavvy?  
  
Gavroche: *depressed* Why can't I have a normal family like everyone else?  
  
Javert: *incredulously* Like everyone else? Are you kidding? You think you're family is bad, you should have seen mine. My dad was a jailbird and my mom was a Gypsy fortune teller. I've been haunted by my background all my life!  
  
Gavroche: *wipes his eyes on his sleeve* Me too!  
  
Javert: Aw, come here you little gamin, you! *scoops Gavroche into a bear hug and begins to cry*   
  
Gavroche: *crying onto the Inspector's shoulder* I guess you and me ain't so different after all, Inspector.  
  
Javert: You're alright, gamin, even if you did try to have me executed *musses Gavroche's hair fondly*  
  
Gavroche: Aw, why can't I have folks like you?  
  
Javert: Who says you can't? *smiling* Gavroche, how would you like for me to adopt you?  
  
Valjean: Adopting lonely orphans? Guess I finally rubbed off on you, huh, Javert?  
  
Gavroche: Yay! I have a daddy!  
  
Javert: *leads Gavroche away* Let's go get the papers signed right away…son!  
  
*Everyone goes "Awww" again*  
  
Eponine: *puts her head in her hands miserably* First I lose my parents, now I lose my brother. What next?  
  
Valjean: *understandingly puts an arm around her shoulders* I know exactly how you feel. I lost my family too. Then I got carted off to jail  
  
Eponine: You're been in jail?  
  
Valjean: *bows his head in shame* Yes  
  
Eponine: So have I! I never realized how much we have in common…  
  
Valjean: *awkwardly* Say, Eponine…I know you have that thing for Marius…but…I…I…  
  
Eponine: *leans her head onto his shoulder* Marius who?  
  
Marius: *smiles to Cosette* Isn't it romantic?  
  
Cosette: *clings to her husband in horror* The way things are going, I'm going to be stuck with Enjolras for my step-dad and Eponine for my step-mom! I don't even want to think about it!  
  
Marius: Oh, don't worry, Cosette. Everything will be just fine *smiles a smile reminiscent of Mary-Ann on Gilligan's Island*  
  
Cosette: Your blind optimism is really getting tedious, Marius  
  
Grantaire: *snickers* You can say that again, Mme. Pontmercy.  
  
Marius: *looks wounded* Why do you have to be such a killjoy all the time? Ever since we were tortured to death by those Eponine/Marius fans, you've been crankier than Javert when "The Fugitive" was released.  
  
Grantaire: Stuff it, Pontmercy. She's right-you do kind of give me a toothache  
  
Cosette: Finally, someone who sees things my way *gives Grantaire a high-five*  
  
Javert: *walks in beside a little boy in blue*   
  
Everyone: *stares at Gavroche* GAVROCHE?  
  
Javert: *beams with pride* I took my son shopping on the way back from the registry. Say hello to little Gavroche Javert  
  
Gavroche: *smoothes his miniature police uniform*  
  
Javert: That's my boy! So, what did we miss?  
  
Valjean: 'Ponine and I are in love!  
  
Cosette: *looks like she has swallowed something incredibly bitter* WILL YOU SHUT UP, ALREADY? God, all this mushy stuff is making me sick!  
  
Grantaire: *watches Cosette with admiration* Wow…I think I'M starting to fall in love now *pulls Cosette into his lap*  
  
Marius: *shakes his head sadly* I guess it's over then  
  
Cosette: *nuzzling Grantaire* Guess so  
  
Marius: *throws himself facedown on the cloud and cries*  
  
Gavroche: Aw, shucks, Marius, don't cry  
  
Javert: *shakes his head sadly* Poor boy. He's all alone  
  
Gavroche: Say, he's one of us, then, isn't he, Papa?  
  
Javert: *melts* Marius, how would you like for me to adopt you?  
  
Marius: *looks up, brightening* Mean it?  
  
Javert: Welcome to the family!  
  
Gavroche: I have a daddy AND a big brother!  
  
Valjean: *kisses Eponine* A happy ending for everyone!  
  
Eponine: Except for my mum and dad, of course  
  
*Everyone laughs gleefully* 


	2. The Madness Continues

Chapter Two: The Madness Continues

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(Yup, another chapter. I had to do something _to kill time during Algebra)_

Disclaimer: I still don't own Les Miserables. Hugo does, the lucky genius. Oh, I don't own "Cosette: The Sequel to Les Miserables, either. (Thank the Lord!) That is Laura Kalpakian's problem.

*The new Javert brothers are lazily reclining on the end of the cloud, engrossed in a game of Candyland. Both are cheerfully sucking on lollipops and wearing multi-colored helicopter beanies*

Gavroche: *lying on his stomach across the board from Marius* Your turn, big brother

Marius: *takes a card* Blue! *takes the red gingerbread figure and jumps three spaces* Yay! I've reached the Ice Cream Ocean! I'm gonna get you, Gav!

Gavroche: *smirks* Not so fast *draws a card* Haha! Red! *jumps the yellow gingerbread figure four spaces to the end* I win again! _Ha-ha, Haha-ha! _*dances victory jig*

Marius: *pouts* Only 'cause I let you

Gavroche: *tosses the board off the cloud* I'm sick of this game

Marius: Wanna play freeze tag instead? *jumps up and down excitedly*

Gavroche: Nah, that's a sissy game. Let's wrestle instead

Marius: Okay!

Gavroche: *runs at Marius and gets him in a choke-hold* Haha-take that, big brother! This'll teach you to hog the remote!

Marius: *turns blue* Ow! I'm telling!

Javert: *whistles shrilly* BOYS! Get yourselves under control this instant!

Marius: *alarmed* Uh-oh. Dad's back!

Gavroche: *hastily releases Marius* It was all Marius's fault-you left him in charge!

Marius: *stands at attention* Shut up, Gavroche!

Javert: *whistles again* SETTLE DOWN! *snatches their lollipops, yanks their rainbow helicopter beanies off and replaces them with black top hats, motioning for them to straighten their matching police outfits* That's more like it. Now come along, boys, it's time for your swimming lessons. And then, if you're good, I'll buy you some snuff on the way home…

Gavroche: *whispers in Marius' ear* Marius, I'm worried about Dad. He's starting to kinda scare me

Marius: *nods fretfully* I know. *indicates a few days growth of stubble on the sides of his face* He's making me grow sideburns! I look like a geek! And every time we try to go and hang out with the Friends of the ABC, he starts yelling at us that he doesn't want us playing with traitors *his lip quivers* He's so mean sometimes!

Gavroche: *taps his chin thoughtfully* Yeah. Anything's better than being stuck with Thenardier, though

Marius: You think he's bad? You should have met my grandpa. Every time I came into a room, he start calling me names and hitting me with his cane.

Gavroche: Yeah. It could be worse. But we need to get the old man to lighten up before he drives us both wacko

Marius: *gets a light bulb over his head* I've got an idea! Gavroche, what this family needs is a mother! We've got to find a wife for Dad, that ought to straighten him out.

Gavroche: Marius, old boy, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard

Marius: Hey!

Gavroche: But I think it would really annoy him, so count me in.

Marius: *grabs Gavroche by the wrist and drags him away* Aw, come on…*snatches their lollipops out of Javert's pocket as they sneak away*

Jehan: *sitting a ways off with the rest of Les Amis* I think Pontmercy's finally gone off the deep end

Combeferre: *the pipe still between his teeth* It's regression. Go figure. The whole break-up must have been rough on him

Cosette: *hanging on Grantaire* What did I ever see in him, anyway?

Grantaire: That doesn't matter. Now that you're with me, we're gonna have some fun

Cosette: What? What are we going to do?

Grantaire: *grins* Come with me… *he leads Cosette away, laughing*

Courfeyrac: *shrugs* Whaaaaaaaatever…

Bahorel: I don't even want to KNOW where they're going

Feuilly: Will you guys keep it down? I'm trying to read, here. *buries his face in a paperback*

Joly: *nabs the book* What have we here? *reads the cover* Laura Kalpakian's "Cosette"

Bousset: A book about Cosette?

Feuilly: Yeah. And Azelma Thenardier, and Marius…Actually, there's even a little bit about us in the first chapter

Courfeyrac: *perks up* About us?

Feuilly: *quirks an eyebrow* Well, actually, not really. The only ones it talks about are you, me, Enjolras, and Combeferre.

Bousset, Joly, Bahorel, Jehan: Hey!

Bahorel: Man, what do people have against me, anyway?

Feuilly: Whatever you do, don't look at Chapter Nine. It's enough to give you nightmares *shudder*

Joly: *slams the book closed, looking horrified* Too late! Ugh!

Feuilly: I hear that. Man, I didn't think that I'd ever hear anyone swear more frequently than Grantaire…

Combeferre: *takes the book from Joly* I think this piece of work is a candidate for The Pit!

Les Amis: *cheer raucously*

*They all tumble over a few cloud-hills and peer over the edge. Quite a ways below them is a flaming black hole, in which we can see several other items smoldering. Several bad Les Miserables movies and the abridged novel are the only recognizable item left among the ashes*

Combeferre: *hurls the book into The Pit*

Bahorel: Die! Die

*The book obediently crumbles into charred ashes*

Les Amis: Hurrah!

Feuilly: Well, that was refreshing

Bousset: *dusts off his hands* Yeah. Hey, next time can we burn a copy of that stupid musical that only gave me four lines.

Combeferre: I don't think so

Bousset: Huh! Easy for you to say! You got _twelve_ lines!

Combeferre: Naw, I just don't think Enjolras would give his approval. He really likes the musical. It gives him an excuse to wear that weird vest he likes so much

*Everyone laughs mockingly*

Jehan: *puzzled* What? What's so funny? I think the vest is rather smart-looking

Joly: *takes a last look into the Pit and begins to cough* I'd better get away from here. Smoke inhalation is bad for the lungs, you know

Courfeyrac: Uh, Joly, we're dead. I really don't think it'll hurt you now

Combeferre: *turns to leave with a grin* Another job well done, huh Enjolras? *he glances around for Enjolras* Enjolras? 

Feuilly: *scratches his head* What happened to Enjolras? He never passes up a chance to burn anti-Ami literature

Jehan: He's off with that fiancée of his again *points at Enjolras in the distance*

Enjolras: *sits on the far side of the cloud with Fantine, looking bored*

Fantine: *studying a copy of American Bride Magazine* Marcelin, honey, what kind of flowers should we have at the wedding?

Enjolras: I don't care

Fantine: *thwacks him lightly with the magazine* Now, I need your input. *looks thoughtful* How about getting Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper to play at our reception?

Enjolras: *frowns* I had hoped to keep the extravagances to a minimum

Fantine: *irritated* Marcelin! This is my first wedding and I want it to be perfect!

Enjolras: *looks exasperated* Women!

Valjean: *strolls by with Eponine on his arm* Good day, Fantine. Good day, Enjolras *tips his hat courteously*

Enjolras: *answers with a resentful grunt*

Eponine: *to Fantine* What's the matter with him?

Fantine: *shakes her head* Never mind him. He's just got a case of the pre-wedding jitters

Eponine: *nods knowingly* I hear that. Jean-y's just as bad. And I think all of those years in the galleys must have dulled his good taste. He wanted chartreuse and fuchsia for our wedding colors!

Valjean: *sulks* I happen to like fuchsia *sits down next to Enjolras* Honestly, Monsieur Enjolras, I'm starting to remember why I was never known to have a sweetheart. Eponine wants to have the Big Bopper sing at our reception, for goodness sake!

Fantine: *claps her hands* Me too!

Eponine: Really? Have you guys set a date yet?

Fantine: *smiles and shakes her head* No. I wanted to be married on Valentine's Day, but Enjy insists on June 6th

Eponine: *squeals girlishly* A June wedding! How romantic!

Enjolras: *sullen* I was going for irony…

Fantine: *ignoring him* You think so? *snaps her fingers* Hey, I just got a great idea. We could do a double wedding!

Eponine: Loving it, loving it! Finally, after all that miserable death and pitiful lyrical lamenting, our fluffy romantic dreams are coming true!

*Eponine and Fantine squeal together. Valjean and Enjolras have not heard any of this conversation, as they are too busy discussing the shortcomings of the justice system*

---Will Fantine and Eponine ever get their dream wedding? Will Gavroche and Marius ever find themselves a new mother? And where the heck have Grantaire and Cosette gone off to? Tune in for the next confusing installment of Just Another Day In Paradise!


	3. It's Not Over Yet

Part Three: It's Not Over Yet…

Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Les Miz is Hugo's and Peter belongs to God.

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Grantaire is leading Cosette down a dark tunnel with his hands over her eyes. Cosette is not amused…

Cosette: *tears free* WILL YOU LET GO OF ME ALREADY?!

Grantaire: *rolls his eyes* Killjoy. You sound like Enjolras... Alright, you can keep 'em open.

Cosette: *perking up* Where're we going, anyway? *fans herself* It's getting terribly hot, you know

Grantaire: *releases a distorted giggle* I know…hehehe *pushes open a door, revealing a large, flaming, funnel-shaped hole* Welcome to The Inferno!

Cosette: *puzzled* What are we doing in Hell?

Grantaire: *leads her inside* I thought you could use some cheering up. Combeferre says you need to come to terms with your traumatic childhood.

Cosette: *groans* You mean we're going to see the Thenardiers?

Grantaire: *frowns* Hey, it took me forever to find a way off that ridiculous cloud. You're gonna get your revenge and you're gonna enjoy it.

Meanwhile, back on Cloud Nine…

Marius: Okay, I've written a list of possible women for the old man. *holds up a long piece of paper*

Gavroche: *quirks an eyebrow* Are there really that many women here? The only ones I've ever seen are Fantine, Ponine, and Cosette

Marius: *cringes* Please, don't mention Cosette, or I may regress all the way back to infancy. *turns back to the list* There are plenty of nice ladies here-you just have to use your head *reads off the list* There's Joly's old girlfriend, Muschietta, and some old nun named Sister Simplice, and someone named Azelma Thenardier

Gavroche: *crosses Azelma's name off* Are you dumb or somethin'? My sister can't be my mother! 

Marius: Oh yeah. Well, then I guess it's off to see Muschietta! *drags Gavroche over to St. Peter* St. Peter! St. Peter!

St. Peter: *smiles pleasantly* Oh, hello, Brother Marius.

Gavroche: Hey, Pete

St. Peter: *hides behind Marius* _Yah_! You brought-_him_!

Gavroche: *rolls his eyes* Aw, Pete, what'cha got against me, anyway?

St. Peter: *indignant* You bent my halo!

Gavroche: No I didn't. It was Navet, remember?

St. Peter: Don't give me that! You're the one who told him I was a cop in disguise!

Gavroche: *giggles* I didn't think he'd actually go at you with brass knuckles. Besides, he shouldn't have even got them in in the first place. Aren't these Pearly Gates of yours supposed to have metal detectors?

St. Peter: Shut up. I still don't see how you got in here

Gavroche: *shoves St. Peter* I lose my neck for my bleedin' country, and what does it get me? Nothin' but a lot of flak from an old-*is cut off by Marius' hand over his mouth*

Marius: *struggling to keep a hold on Gav* Hehe…isn't this kid a riot? But seriously, we're looking for someone.

St. Peter: Who?

Marius: Well, I'm trying to find a new mom so that our dad will mellow out and let us lose these stupid uniforms.

Gavroche: And I'm along to make sure he doesn't do something stupid.

Marius: Shut up!

St. Peter: Oh, really? And who is your dad?

Marius: Brother Snookums Javert

St. Peter: *looks at a clipboard* Oh, yes! Brother Snookums. Good of you to remind me. Actually, he put in an appeal a few centuries back to be transferred to Hell. And it's finally gone through. 

Marius & Gavroche: _What?_

St. Peter: Brother Snookums is due down in Hell tomorrow morning. Ah, he'll be pleased. He's been driving us crazy *walks off to find Javert* Matthew! Mind the gate for me!

Gavroche: *kicks Marius in the shins* You dolt!

Marius: I was only trying to help!

Gavroche: *sigh* Looks like we're orphans again.

Marius: *perks up* At least I can shave these sideburns now…

Gavroche: Say, big brother, let's you and me go break some streetlights, and then, I'll teach you some argot.

Marius: Cool! Will you teach me that "Little People" song of yours too? I always thought it was rather catchy

Gavroche: *frowns* No! Don't even think about it-Little People's MY bit! 

St. Peter: *spots Javert* Ah, Brother Snookums

Javert: *reddens* Don't call me Snookums! I told you-I've legally changed my first name to Inspector.

St. Peter: Whatever. I have good news for you. Your appeal has gone through. You're going to Hell

Javert: *sighs with relief* Thank God!

Booming voice from the sky: You're welcome, Snookums

Javert: Uh-oh. But what will happen to my boys without me?

Gavroche and Marius: *run past shrieking*

St. Matthew: *covered in silly string and toilet paper* Get back here right now! *chases them furiously*

St. Peter: *sardonically* They'll be fine.

Javert: Lead the way then! *hugs St. Peter* I can't tell you how glad I am to see you. These people have been driving me mad *shudder* Well, _more_ mad, that is…

Valjean: *calls to St. Peter* Hey, Brother Peter, where're you going with my best man?

Javert: *urgently pushes St. Peter along* Get me out! Get me out _now_!

Valjean: *looks annoyed* Well, now I guess Bishop Myriel will have to be my best man. *yells across the cloud* Bishop Myriel! Wanna be my best man?

Bishop Myriel: Okay, but you have to endorse me for sainthood

Valjean: Whatever

Fantine: *nudges Enjy* See, Marcelin, Jean is cooperating with the whole wedding bit

Enjolras: Fine, fine. Feuilly can be my best man.

Fantine: And Sister Simplice will be my maid of honor. What about you, Ponine?

Eponine: I have to let my sister do it, or she'll whine my ear off *looks irritated* That kid really gets on my nerves sometimes

Valjean: Why? I think she's delightful.

Eponine: That's what you think about all pathetic little orphan girls! Why can't you hate your in-laws like everyone else, you wimp?

Valjean: I don't hate people. I'm a paragon, remember?

Eponine: Oh, right. *kisses Valjean* Let's never quarrel again!

Fantine: Aww!

Enjolras: Ugh…

Fantine: Well, let's see. What shall we have for our wedding colors? I was thinking of pink! Wouldn't that be lovely?

Enjolras: *winces* _Pink_? You've _got_ to be kidding!

Fantine: Well, what do you suggest?

Enjolras: How about red and black?

Fantine: For the last time-no

Enjolras: But I like red and black! And it'll match my red vest, see?

Fantine: *aghast* You're not seriously planning to wear that thing to our wedding?

Enjolras: *suspiciously* What? I thought you said I looked cute in my vest?

Fantine: I was trying to be tactful…

Enjolras: That's it! Wedding's off! We're a package deal: Love me, love my vest!

Fantine: Oh, settle down, Marcelin. Fine, fine, we'll compromise. We'll have a red and black wedding, but you'll have to leave the vest at home.

Enjolras: *reluctantly* Well…I guess a good leader should be able to compromise.

Fantine: Excellent. *hugs Enjy* Aw, you're so cute when you're mad!

Enjolras: *pulls away, blushing* Please, Fantine, we're in public!

Fantine: *giggles* Look at Enjy blushing! Hehe!

Enjolras: *reddens even more* Well, if I can't wear my vest, what would you have me wear?

Fantine: You and Valjean will wear matching tuxedos

Enjolras: Red and Black tuxedos?

Fantine: Uh…okay…

Valjean: *shakes his head sadly* No, no, I must wear my rags. I am unworthy of anything better.

Eponine: You've got a real inferiority complex. Perhaps you should see Combeferre?

Valjean: *defensive* I'm not crazy!

Eponine: *pats his arm consolingly* Of course not darling! *nods covertly to Enjolras* Set up an appointment for him.


	4. People With Problems

Chapter Four: People With Problems

Disclaimer: I'm sick of typing this-look at the other chapters

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A smattering of patients has gathered in Doctor Combeferre's waiting room. Doctor Combeferre is inside admiring his new degree from the Fourth Sphere Academy of Psychology, when…

Eponine: *bursts into the office* Combeferre, I need your help

Combeferre: With what?

Eponine: With Jean. He's being impossible!

Combeferre: Valjean? Well, bring him in

Eponine: *pulls Valjean inside* Jean-y, honey you remember Combeferre. He's just going to have a nice talk with you, alright?

Valjean: _I'm not crazy!_

Combeferre: *doodles on a legal pad* Won't you sit down, Monsieur Valjean? 

Valjean: *grudgingly obeys* I still don't see what I'm doing here.

Eponine: I told you: you need to get over this inferiority complex of yours

Valjean: I don't have an inferiority complex!

Combeferre: *holds up a copy of the novel* Ahem. I see. You don't feel inferior at all. That's why you kept calling your own daughter Madame Pontmercy. That's why you insisted upon dying alone in a cold, cramped garret with no one but a bunch of ghosts for company. That's why-

Valjean: I didn't want anyone to be shamed by my presence! *folds his arms sullenly* That doesn't make me crazy

Eponine: *patronizingly* Of course not

Valjean: Quit humoring me! It's really getting aggravating

Combeferre: *quirks an eyebrow* Put on a pot of coffee, Ponine. It's going to be a _long_ night.

__

Meanwhile, a considerable distance below…

Javert: So, where exactly are we going? Is there, like, one big flaming hole in the earth or what?

St. Peter: No, not exactly. Didn't you ever read the Inferno?

Javert: *shudders* Reading was not my forte

St. Peter: Well, you're going to the Forest of Suicides. It's full of desolate, depressing madmen like yourself. You'll love it

Javert: *clasps his hands anxiously* At last, I'll be rid of Valjean and all his horrid lawbreaking entourage!

Cosette: *bumps into Javert* Sorry, monsieur, I did not see…Well, hello Inspector! What are you doing here?

Javert: *runs away* AGH! AGH! There's no escaping them! *leaps into the River Acheron*

St. Peter: Brother Snookums? Brother Snookums? You get back up here-there are flesh eating piranhas in that water!

Javert: *can faintly be heard screaming in agony*

St. Peter: *guiltily puts his hands behind his back and walks away whistling*

Grantaire: *looks confused* Whatever. Well, did you have a good time today?

Cosette: *giggles* Heh heh heh…yeah. I loved it when you threw rotten tomatoes at that Nixon guy. 

Grantaire: Ah, finally a sense of humor to match my own. And I must say, you quite captivated me when you shot Napoleon with the squirt gun

Cosette: *giggles* Hehe. Yeah. He cried like a little girl

Grantaire: *falls to the ground laughing* I love this place!

Cosette: Let's come back tomorrow and track down that Montparnasse fellow Ponine was always complaining about. He sounds like he might be good for a laugh.

Grantaire: Isn't that him over there boiling in the river of blood?

Cosette: Looks like it. Let's go poke him with a stick!

St. Peter: Brother Grantaire? Sister Euphrasie? How did you get down here?

Grantaire: Took the elevator

St. Peter: That's a staff elevator. You're not allowed to use it. How did you get in?

Grantaire: *rolls his eyes* C'mon, Pete. We all know you keep a spare key under the doormat

St. Peter: Shut up. I don't see how you got into heaven either

Cosette: Don't talk that way to my sweet wittle R-sy !

St. Peter: And you're even worse!

Cosette: *innocently* Me? I'm an angel *smiles piously*

St. Peter: Don't play dumb with me, Sister Euphrasie! I know all about your …heh heh…little problem.

Cosette: *nervous* I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea what you are talking about

St. Peter: Don't lie, now

Cosette: *breaks down* Alright, alright, I confess! I'm a kleptomaniac. I steal things all the time-stupid stuff I don't even need! *empties her pockets, which are filled with old toothbrushes, various sizes of socks, and several different kinds of power tools* I have a problem, R! *cries onto Grantaire's shoulder*

Grantaire: And I thought _I_ was messed up!

__

Back on Cloud Nine…

Combeferre: Ugh, these people are driving me crazy. I wonder where St. Peter is? *sigh* I guess I'll just have to handle them myself. *to Valjean* Valjean, you need to dredge up some self esteem, and quit feeling sorry for yourself. I mean, about every other sentence out of your mouth is something about "how wretched you are"

Eponine: Yeah, quit being such a wimp! *whacks him on the head* Honestly, Marius never acted like this *sighs dreamily* Jumping up onto the barricade with that powder keg…he was sooooo brave

Valjean: WILL YOU STOP COMPARING ME TO MARIUS?!?

Eponine: *to Combeferre* Are you hearing the way he talks to me *sniffle* All my life, people have been screaming orders at me.

Combeferre: Awww, tell me all about it *puts an arm around Eponine*

Eponine: *soaking up the sympathy* My parents beat me and treated me like dirt. Then, when I finally meet a great guy, what happens? He dumps me for some bourgeois two-a-penny thing

Valjean: *venomously* Are you speaking of my darling daughter?

Combeferre: *trying to be tactful* Now, Ponine, you can't blame Marius for wanting a woman who's…well, ya know…bathed.

Eponine: *cries harder* Everything was against me! 

Valjean: *gets up off the couch* That's it. I'm out of here. No offense, Ponine, but another second with you will surely drive me out of my skull.

Eponine: *weeps onto Combeferre* Why always me? *bangs her head against the wall* WHY WHY WHY?!?

Combeferre: *sigh* I knew I should have listened to my father and become a banker.

Gavroche: *bursts into the office* 'Ferre, I need your help

Combeferre: What is it now?

Gavroche: It's Marius! I was teasing him about Cosette and he went even crazier *drags in Marius*

Marius: *smiling idiotically and sucking his thumb* Can I have a cookie, Mumsy?

Combeferre: *shakes his head at Gavroche* I hope you are satisfied!

Gavroche: *scowls* It ain't my fault he's such a loon

Combeferre: Well, let me see what I can do…Marius?

Marius: *clutches a teddy bear* Do you want to play hide and go peek, Monsieur Bear?

Combeferre: Marius, can you hear me?

Marius: *looks up at Combeferre* Daddy?

Combeferre: *puts his head in his hands* Oh no…

Marius: Daddy? Daddy? *begins to cry* Oh, why won'cha hug me, Daddy?

Enjolras: *passing by the office door* Combeferre, what is going on in here? I heard shouting. *notices Marius on the floor* Pontmercy! Get up this instant-the floor is no place for a soldier of the republic!

Marius: *perk up when he sees Enjolras* Uncle Bill! *hugs Enjolras* Did you bring me a present, Uncle Bill?

Enjolras: GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!

Marius: *crawls into the corner, crying* It's just you an' me now, Monsieur Bear

Gavroche: *grins wickedly* Hey, Marius, do you know who I am?

Marius: *shakes his head*

Gavroche: I'm a monster!

Marius: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! MUMMY! HELP!

Gavroche: *smothers laughter in his sleeve* But I won't eat you up if you'll do me a favor

Marius: What?

Gavroche: I want you to sneak up behind St. Peter and put a snake in his hair

Combeferre: Gavroche, quit exploiting my patient *to Enjolras* What brings you by?

Enjolras: *sigh* Fantine says I have to take off my vest for the wedding. So I'm leaving it with you for safekeeping. I don't dare leave it alone with that little *glances at Gavroche* monster lurking about. The last time I tried that, he traded it to Navet for a box of firecrackers

Fantine: Oh, settle down, Marcelin. Just give him the vest.

Enjolras: *touches the vest hesitantly* I-I-I-

Fantine: I guess it's up to me, then *throws Enjy's arms over his head and yanks the vest off* There. *hands the vest to Combeferre* That wasn't so hard, was it?

Enjolras: *hangs his head* I feel so…undefined.

__

To be continued…


	5. The Plot Weirdens

Part Five: The Plot Weirdens (Is that a real word?)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Yeah, I bet you didn't know that. Oh, and if you're reading, Britney Spears, be a sport and don't sue-it's just a joke

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Grantaire and Cosette are still in the depths of Hell with St. Peter, who is not a bit pleased to see them…

Grantaire: Aw, Cosette, don't cry…damn it all! Chicks! I liked it better when they were too busy slapping me to cry.

Cosette: *wipes her eyes* I'm fine now, really *sniffle* And don't call me a chick.

Grantaire: *rolls his eyes* Ah, here comes the slapping!

Cosette: R, will you just-

St. Peter: *gives an ear-piercing whistle* Quiet, both of you! Honestly, you're giving me a headache! 

Cosette: Sorry

Grantaire: Aw, don't apologize to that old stuffed shirt

St. Peter: First of all, I don't wear a shirt, I wear a robe. Second of all, just for that remark, you're staying here! *snatches the elevator key from Grantaire's pocket and jumps into the elevator* Ta-ta! Hope it doesn't get too hot for you! Hehehehehehehehe!

Cosette: *cries again* He left us! We're stuck in Hell for the rest of eternity

Grantaire: *shrugs* Heaven, Hell, they all look alike to me.

__

A little red man with horns pops up

Little Red Man: Hello, my name is Bob. Are you Cosette and Grantaire?

Cosette: Yeah.

Bob: Well, I've come with orders from the devil herself.

Grantaire: The devil?

Bob: Yes. Or, as she is better known, Britney Spears

Grantaire: The devil is a chick?

Britney Spears: WE FIND THAT TERM OFFENSIVE!!!

Bob: *tugs nervously at his collar* Anyway, she wants you both to leave right away. She says there's only room for one blond bimbo in this place

Cosette: I am NOT a bimbo! It's not my fault I'm so underdeveloped-I'm not given any lines!

Grantaire: Well, I'm not a bimbo-what's she got against me? *rolls his eyes* God, not even Satan will accept me? Maybe Apollo was right.

Bob: Nah, that's not it. She just says she doesn't want you around bringing back painful memories. You remind her of an old boyfriend.

Cosette: So where are we supposed to go now?

Bob: You're condemned to an eternity of wandering the Earth *snaps his fingers, making them disappear* Bon voyage!

Grantaire: *finds himself standing with Cosette on a sidewalk in New York* Whoa, what a trip!

Cosette: *clutches Grantaire's hand fearfully* What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

Grantaire: Don't sweat, cherie! Now that we're back on Earth, we'll finally be able to live it up a little! *pulls her into a nightclub* Come on, you haven't lived till you've had absinthe!

Cosette: Papa says that alcohol is…*giggles sneakily* Oh, right, Papa isn't here…hehehehehe…

__

Back to Heaven…

Combeferre: Alright, Gavroche, you've "helped" enough. Why don't you go play with Enjolras for awhile?

Gavroche: Why should I do that? This overgrown baby is a goldmine! *to Marius* Hey, Marius, get me some candy or I'll eat your bear!

Marius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *scrambles to Combeferre's desk and dumps the candy dish into Gavroche's hands* It's okay, Monsieur Bear, I'll protect you!

Combeferre: Gavroche, get out of here

Gavroche: *rolls his eyes* Fine. Hey Prouvaire, give me some candy or I'll eat your flowers!

Jehan: NOOOOOOOOO! *clutches flowers protectively to his chest, and in doing so, crushes them* Uh oh *looks down at the remains of the flowers* NOOOOOOOOOO!

Combeferre: *shakes Marius* Marius, you are not a baby. Wake up!

Marius: But Daddy, I'm sleepy! *curls up on the floor with his bear*

Eponine: *smiles at Marius* Isn't he adorable when he's asleep?

Combeferre: Eponine, this is hardly the time

Eponine: *melts* Awww, look, he's sucking his thumb! 

Combeferre: *exasperated* Eponine, if you want me to cure him, then get out of here and let me work

Eponine: Who says I can't cure him myself? *shoves Combeferre aside with a giggle* He just needs to be reminded he's a man! *grabs Marius and passionately kisses him*

Marius: *sits up and blinks perplexedly*

Eponine: *superiorly* See? Told you!

Marius: *crawls away crying* _Ew! Cooties_! *wipes furiously at his mouth*

Combeferre: *smirks at Eponine* Then again, maybe not

Eponine: Shut _up_

Marius: *continuing his tantrum* _Yucky! I'm telling_! *crab-kicks his way into the corner, but does not watch where he is going, and accidentally strikes his head on the wall*

Eponine: Marius? Marius, are you alright? *shakes Marius awake*

Marius: *blink* Eponine? Combeferre? Where am I?

Eponine: You went crazy and I cured you

Combeferre: Did not! That was a fluke and you know it! Marius, you owe me five hundred francs for the session.

Eponine: Don't pay it-I'm the one who cured you.

Marius: You did? Gee, thanks Eponine! *smiles sadly* Sorry to put you through so much trouble, I was just so upset after losing Cosette…

Eponine: *gets a light bulb over her head* It's okay, I understand *rather pointedly* After all, I _just broke up with Jean_, too

Marius: *shyly* Really? *embraces her awkwardly, giggling* Say, um…you don't have to, but I'd really like if-if now that I'm sane again you'd consider going steady with me?

Eponine: *jumps into the air* He's mine! Mine at last! Hurray! *kisses Marius* So what was it that finally charmed you? My great personality, my good looks?

Combeferre, Enjolras and Gavroche: *snicker at the "good looks" part*

Marius: That, and the fact that you're the only single woman left in this place

Eponine: *too busy doing a victory dance to hear him*

Gavroche: Uh-oh! *points to the opening elevator* Looks like St. Peter's back

Gavroche: Hey, Pete. How's my old man?

St. Peter: Let's just say I'm glad he has a fondness for rivers.

Gavroche: Okaaaaaaaaaay…

St. Peter: *grins sneakily* But don't worry, Brother Gavroche. I've found you a new family *whistles*

Fantine: *steps into room with Enjolras* Come to Mommy, my wittle cupcake! *holds out her arms to Gavroche*

St. Peter: Meet your new parents: M. and Mme. Enjolras!

Gavroche: *covers his face with his hands* Oh _man_! *grovels at St. Peter's feet* Pete, old buddy, old chum, you can't do this to me!

Enjolras: *yanks Gavroche onto his feet* That's no way for a future Enjolras to behave! Now stand up straight! Suck in that gut!

Fantine: *hugs Gavroche protectively, choking the poor gamin in the process* Now, Marcelin, don't be so hard on little Abelard.

Enjolras & Gavroche: ABELARD?

Fantine: *looks surprised* Why, of course! Now that he's to be our son, his name will be Abelard Aloysius Aurelianus Adonis Alphonso Enjolras. Doesn't that sound charming? 

Enjolras: You've got to be kidding

Gavroche: *relieved* Thanks, Enjolras! *to himself* At least one of 'em's halfway sane!

Enjolras: What kind of name is that for an Enjolras? His name shall be Robespierre Pericles Spartacus Enjolras *nods with satisfaction*

Gavroche: Maybe Thenardier wasn't so bad…

Fantine: Alright, alright, we'll compromise. We'll name him Robespierre, and just call him Pierre for short

Enjolras: _How dare you shorten the exalted name of Robespierre! Never!_

Fantine: Touch-y! Alright, fine, how about Robespierre Pericles Spartacus Abelard Aloysius Aurelianus Adonis Alphonso Enjolras?

Enjolras: *grudgingly* Okay

Gavroche: But I like my own name!

Enjolras: You'll do as you're told, Robespierre. *pulls miniature vest from his pocket and puts it on Gavroche* There we go

Everyone: Awww!

Fantine: Isn't he precious? *smothers Gavroche (Robespierre) in kisses* 

Gavroche: Yaugh! Get off of me! 

Fantine: Come along, Robespierre, it's time for bed, and then tomorrow, we'll enroll you in school! Won't that be fun?

Gavroche: *runs for his life* NO!

Enjolras: *nabs him by the collar* Do as your mother says, or I'll give you my belt!

Gavroche: *confused* But your belt would never fit me

Enjolras: *glowers* March! _Left, left, left, right, left_!

Gavroche: *marches away with Enjolras, looking quite terrified*

Eponine: *shakes her head* My poor brother!

Marius: I though he was _my _brother now?

Eponine: Whatever. We've got to help him, Marius! 

Marius: Why? I always thought the boy could use a loving home and a little discipline.

Eponine: Yes, I agree, but just think what could happen if he and Enjy push each other too far…

Marius: *pauses to think for a moment* Uh-oh…*pales* We've got to get him out of there!

Eponine: Quick-to the Miz Cave!

__

Yup, still to be continued…


	6. The Custody Battle

Part Six: The Custody Battle

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We begin in a large, secluded cloud cave which looks like something out of the Care Bears. This one is full of tables and chairs, and the interior looks something like the Café Musain. There is a large cage on one of the tables, and little Navet is locked inside, shaking at the bars. Valjean has placed silver candlesticks on every table, and Enjolras has hung red flags from every wall.

Marius: *trots in through the front door* Here we are: the Miz Cave. 

Eponine: *glances around with a frown* What is this place even here for, anyway?

Marius: Enjolras wanted to have a base to work from in case the king ever got into heaven.

Eponine: *points at Navet* Look! *runs to open the cage* Oh, you poor dear! Are you alright?

Navet: *stumbles to his feet* I think so.

Marius: Who put you in there?

Navet: That jerk Enjolras caught me with the angel choir singing "Praise My Soul the King of Heaven". He thought I was talking about King Louis the Eighteenth, declared me a traitor, and locked me in this cage as a prisoner of war.

Marius: *pats Navet on the head* Poor Enjolras. All the boredom of having nothing to rebel against is really starting to get to him.

Eponine: *shakes her head* He locks helpless orphans into cages? What kind of father would a guy like that make?

Marius: *sniffle* At least he doesn't run off to plant flowers and abandon his only son to the whims of some crazy old man *cries pathetically*

Eponine: *melts* Oh, my love is so sensitive! Come here, you big lug! *hugs Marius*

Navet: *looks nauseated* Well, I'll leave the two of you alone, then *makes a break for the door*

Marius: *loudly blows his nose* I'm fine now

Eponine: *holds out his bear* You want Monsieur Bear, honey?

Marius: *blushes* Please, I'm a grown man

Eponine: Well, okay…*sits the bear down and goes to turn on a light*

Marius: *covertly picks the bear up and gives it a hug*

Eponine: *gets a light bulb over her head* Of course! Marius, I've got it. We'll get custody of Gavroche taken away from them by claiming that Enjolras is an unfit parent.

Marius: *takes a step backward* But-but Ponine, you haven't seen him in a temper before.

Eponine: *rolls her eyes* How bad could one dead republican militant be?

Marius: *shakes his head vigorously* No, you don't understand, dear. He'll yell at me, he'll shake me, he'll give me that scary glower of his-

Eponine: Are you with me or not?

Marius: *sigh* I guess. Can't leave a poor innocent child in the hands of a politically crazed madman like _my_ family did. *strikes Enjolraic fighting pose* And we're off!

Eponine: *sigh* Mmm, my love is so brave…

Marius: *pounds on the door of the Enjolras home* Enjolras, open up!

Enjolras: *pokes his head out the door* Pontmercy, what do you want?

Eponine: We want to see my brother!

Enjolras: *opens door* Be my guest. Perhaps _you_ can do something with the little brat

*Eponine and Marius step inside. The floor is littered with broken glass and overturned furniture. There are muddy gamin-sized footprints all over the wall, and screams can be faintly heard form the other room*

Marius: What happened in here?

Enjolras: *indignantly* It's that gamin! He's possessed! *motions for them to follow him*

Fantine: *in Gavroche's new bedroom, reading him a picture book* And so the Little Leprechaun That Could and Princess Fantasia of Happy Halfling Land lived happily ever after. The End.

Gavroche: *tucked into bed so tightly that he is immobile* Can I go to sleep now?

Fantine: But Robespierre, I didn't get to sing you any of my lullabies yet. Ooh, this first one is very cute, it's about a little girl and her pet unicorn *clears her throat to sing*

Gavroche: *lets out a glass-shattering scream*

Enjolras: *winces* He's been doing that all day long! I feel like my ears have been beaten with sledgehammers!

Gavroche: *notices Eponine and Marius in the doorway* Eponine! Marius! Thank God you're here: these people are driving me up the wall!

Enjolras: *shakes his index finger* That's no way to talk to your mother, Robespierre.

Gavroche: MY NAME IS GAVROCHE! _It says so in the musical and everything, so there!_

Fantine: *sighs* Where did we go wrong?

Enjolras: *folds his arms sullenly* It's not my fault. I _tried_ to control him.

Fantine: Well, it's not my fault! I'm a good mother-just look at Cosette!

Enjolras: *sarcastically* Yeah, just look at her *gestures out the window and over the cloud*

Fantine: *looks down to the earth at Cosette*

Cosette: *standing on an overpass in Mexico with Grantaire* Take that, mortals! Heh heh heh! *chucks tomatoes down at the passing cars*

Grantaire: *dumps the tomato bucket overboard, resulting in a loud crash below* Heehee…I love being a ghost!

Cosette: Me too! Come on, let's swipe a boat and sail out to the Bermuda Triangle tomorrow. People there are soooo easy to scare

Grantaire: I'll get the fake blood, you get the rubber eyeballs *they float away together*

Fantine: *mumbling* So maybe that wasn't the best example…

Marius: *whistles loudly to get their attention* We're taking him away whether you like it or not!

Enjolras: *menacingly backs Marius into the corner* Oh?

Marius: *peeps meekly* Y-yes s-s-sir…if that's alright with you…

Fantine: *laughingly* How do you plan on that? We've got papers! *holds up adoption license*

Eponine: This looks like a matter for…The Denizen's Court!

*A puff of smoke, and they are all magically transferred to a large courtroom built out of gold and cloud*

Thomas More: *currently working as bailiff * All rise for the honorable Judge King Solomon

King Solomon: *sits down at his bench* You may be seated

Enjolras: I object!

King Solomon: To what?

Enjolras: To having a monarchist swine as judge! I-

Fantine: *silences him with a hand over his mouth* Heh heh, my husband is only kidding. Marcelin has the wackiest sense of humor, don't you Marcelin?

Enjolras: *glare*

King Solomon: Where are your lawyers?

Marius: I'll be representing myself, your honor

Eponine: Marius, no!

Marius: What? I'm a lawyer. Why not?

Eponine: Just humor me.

*Another puff of smoke, and in walk Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln*

Stephen Douglas: Good day, M. and Mme. Enjolras, I'll be representing you in the proceedings

Abraham Lincoln: *to Marius and Eponine* Don't worry, you two. They'll never win with that little midget as their lawyer.

Stephen Douglas: Shut up. I may be short, but at least I don't have a hole in my head.

Abraham Lincoln: I don't make fun of the way _you _died!

Enjolras: *indicating the bullet holes in his own head* Your Honor, I demand that you let me dismiss this childish fool!

Douglas: Fine! I'm out of here!

Lincoln: Let's take this outside! *runs after Douglas with raised fists*

Eponine: *sigh* Maybe self-representation is the way to go…

__

Hehe, I got a little weird in that chapter. The next one will be better, honest!


	7. Family Law and Other Silly Things

Chapter Seven: Family Law and Other Silly Things

Disclaimer: I don't own Les Miz, the Bible, or anything else I may have ripped off in this chapter.

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We're still in the courtroom, where Enjolras and Fantine are fervently preparing their opening statements. Meanwhile, Marius and Eponine are busy making calf eyes at one another. Gavroche, who has been forced to dress up in a suit, is sitting in the lobby, tugging uncomfortable at his necktie…

Judge King Solomon: *pounds his gavel* Will the defendants please begin?

Enjolras: *straightens a stack of documents* Very well. For my first witness, I would like to call…Monsieur Luc-Espirit Gillenormand!

M. Gillenormand: *hobbles down the aisle on a cane*

Marius: *crawls under the table* AGH! It's HIM!

Eponine: *coaxes him out* Shh, you don't have to be frightened of him anymore-you're a hundred and eighty years old, for heaven's sake.

M. Gillenormand: *peers at Marius over his monocle* BOO!

Marius: Eep!

Enjolras: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

M. Gillenormand: *hobbles into witness stand* Yes, yes, just get on with it. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner you can go get a haircut

Enjolras: Haircut!

M. Gillenormand: You look like a girl with all those pretty curls, you ninny!

Enjolras: *splutters indignantly* How dare you! Fantine, bring me my dueling pistol!

Fantine: *sigh* How many times must I tell you, Marcelin? This is the AFTERLIFE. You can't kill anyone here because they're all dead already.

Enjolras: *glare*

M. Gillenormand: *gloating gleefully* Heh heh! Didn't think ahead there, did you? You young hotheads are all the same

King Solomon: *pounds his gavel* The witness will stop badgering counsel

Fantine: Just get on with the questions, Marcelin!

Enjolras: *through clenched teeth* M. Gillenormand, can you describe your relationship to the plaintiff?

M. Gillenormand: *scowls* Yes. He's my worthless grandson

Marius: *sniffles* See, Eponine? I told you he was mean!

Enjolras: And do you think he would make a good parent?

M. Gillenormand: God, no! He's insane-he'd probably drill the poor child in Napoleonic history or name it after Robespierre or something

Enjolras: *reddens* No further questions.

M. Gillenormand: *still babbling* Just like that blood-drinking father of his. Lucky for him, he had me to straighten him out!

Eponine: Excuse me? Thanks to you, he's spent the last few centuries in therapy!

Marius: *sniffle* All those nights you locked me in the yard shed! There were ants in there, you know!

M. Gillenormand: *softens* Aw, now son…

Marius: *crying messily onto his sleeve* Why didn't you ever tell me you loved me? 

M. Gillenormand: *hugs Marius* I love you, son!

Marius: *sniffle* Mean it? Aw, shucks! *hugs his grandfather*

King Solomon: Order in the court! All of this madness is reminding me of my own screwy family, and…and…*gets a blank, dumb look on his face* No! That's mypet sheep, Adonijah_! Stop, or I'll tell! No_! WAAAAAAH, MOMMY!!! *wakes up and looks around him* Oh…uh, right…sorry-uh, next witness.

Enjolras: The defense calls Dr. Julien Combeferre to the stand

Combeferre: *takes the stand* Can you hurry this up, Marcelin? I don't wanna miss my one o' clock.

Enjolras: Dr. Combeferre, you are the defendant's psychiatrist, are you not?

Combeferre: Marcelin, what are you doing? Call me Julien, we've known each other since high school!

Enjolras: *ignores him* What do you think of his mental state?

Combeferre: *shakes his head* Oh, he's a mess. Father issues, that unhealthy Napoleon obsession of his, a history of stalking…

Enjolras: *smugly* Would you label him as highly unstable?

Combeferre: Oh, yes.

Enjolras: Thank you. You may step down

Combeferre: Almost as unstable as you are.

Enjolras: *scowls* Your Honor, I move that the last remark be stricken from the record.

King Solomon: Denied! Next witness.

Enjolras: The defense calls M. and Mme. Thenardier to the stand

Eponine: *jumps into Marius' arms* AGH!

Thenardier: Oh, keep your voice down, girl! Screaming, screaming, always with the screaming…

Enjolras: Now, M. and Mme. Thenardier, what is your relationship to the defendant?

Mme. Thenardier: She's our daughter. 

M. Thenardier: Yeah. The loud one.

King Solomon: *pounds his gavel* Wait, wait, wait. M. Enjolras, why are your witnesses on fire? 

M. Thenardier: Hey, now, you'd look a little off too if you'd been smoldering in the depths of Hell for the last century or two!

King Solomon: The testimonies of the denizens of Hell are irrelevant here in heaven! Get out of here, before you get soot on the upholstery! 

Eponine: *climbs down* Ha ha! Who's the one without a scrap of brains now! 

Enjolras: Fine, fine, then I have only one more witness. Jean Valjean, take the stand!

Valjean: *takes the stand*

Enjolras: Now, M. Valjean, can you describe your relationship to the defendant?

Valjean: *scowling* Yeah. She used to be my fiancee

Enjolras: Used to be? What happened?

Valjean: I caught her taking drugs and decided to break it off

Eponine: Huh?

Valjean: Yeah. She was always hitting the drugs, especially after that time she killed the prison guard. She was never quite right in the head after that, if you ask me.

Eponine: What are you talking about?

Enjolras: I see. And do you think she would make a good guardian?

Valjean: Goodness, no! She's a drug addict, and she has a violent temper *points to a scar on his head* See there? She used to beat me!

Eponine: Jean, you were a galley slave. You once lifted an entire wagon. How the heck would I have beaten you up?

King Solomon: Silence! Valjean, I will not tolerate lying in my courtroom! For your deceit and petty vengefulness, you are banished to Hell forever! *pulls a lever, opening a dark chute under Valjean's feet*

Valjean: *plummets to his doom* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! *falls into the boiling river of blood with a splash* 

Javert: *swims over with a warm smile* Hello there, new guy, my name is Inspector Javert, and I'm with the Seventh Circle Welcome Wagon…*looks closer* Oh no! Valjean!

Valjean: Hey, Snookums.

Javert: How did you get here? This is for violent madmen only! Get out!

Valjean: Can't. I'm one of you now.

Javert: *brightens* Really? You mean, you've turned into a rotten cheat like criminals are supposed to be?

Valjean: *sigh* Yeah, I guess I have.

Javert: *splashes in delight, laughing hysterically* He's a loser again! The universe is back in order! _And so it must be, for so it is written, on the doooooooorway to Paradise_-_!_

Montparnasse: *shoves Javert's head underwater* Cram it, cop! God, can't you go five seconds without singing that stupid song?

Valjean: Hey, it's you! The boy with my purse

Montparnasse: *shakes Valjean's hand amicably* You remember! It's good to see a familiar face here.

*Some of the more modern criminals surrounding them roar with laughter at the mention of a guy carrying a purse*

Montparnasse: *motions for Valjean to follow him* Come on. We nineteenth-century chaps usually hang out over by the rapids. I'll show you around.

Javert: *swims after them* Hey, wait for me. I can only dog-paddle. Slow down! Aw, shoot, I'm getting a cramp…

__

Back in The Denizens' Court…

Marius: Your Honor, I would like to call my first witness. Augustine Navet, come on down!

Navet: *winces* Do you have to say my full name?

Marius: Now, Navet, do you know that man?

Navet: *nods* Yeah. That's Enjolras.

Marius: And what is your relationship to him?

Navet: Well…I thought he was my friend, but then he started locking me into that cage all the time!

Enjolras: *jumps the desk* Why you little-! *grabs the gamin and begins to choke him*

King Solomon: Order!

Enjolras: *remembers his surroundings* Heh heh…*releases Navet and pats him on the head* Little Navet, you scamp, such a kidder *hugs Navet* I just love roughhousing with my favorite little gamin friend. *cheesy smile*

Marius: And for my next witness, I call…Fantine Enjolras!

Fantine: Me? Well…okay…*takes the stand*

Marius: Mme. Enjolras, what was your last form of employment before your death?

Fantine: *glances around guiltily* Uh…uh…

Marius: Answer the question!

Fantine: I-I-I don't remember!

Marius: Let me refresh your memory…*plays a clip of the Lovely Ladies scene* A prostitute! What kind of a mother is that? *melodramatically shakes his head* No further questions.

Fantine: Your Honor, I object! Sure, I was a prostitute, but it was only to help my poor daughter! I was pathetic! Therefore, I am more deserving of a little happiness

Eponine: I object! I was much more pathetic than she was!

Fantine: Were not! I sold my hair and teeth!

Eponine: I was a victim of child abuse!

Fantine: My boyfriend dumped me, and my poor daughter too!

Eponine: Well…well… my boyfriend didn't even know I was alive!

Fantine: Uh…er…well…my song was better than yours!

Eponine: Was not!

Fantine: Was too! Your song was nothing but a pathetic knock-off of my song! 

Eponine: Everyone likes mine better! Besides, my death scene was more heartbreaking!

Fantine: *sneers* Ha! You overplayed it to death

Eponine: *ready to kill* _That's it!_ *charges Fantine*

Fantine: *puts up her fingernails* Bring it on! *is barely restrained by Enjolras*

Eponine: Let me at her! *barely restrained by Marius*

King Solomon: *pounds his gavel* Order, order! *the pounding has no effect* Hey! *he hurls his gavel at the fray. It bounces off Fantine's head, hitting Eponine in the face* Everyone sit down and shut up! It looks as if I'll have to settle matters the old fashioned way. Thomas More, bring me the boy in question

Thomas More: *leads Gavroche in*

Gavroche: *points at More with a snicker* Hey, your hair looks almost as bad as the Inspector's

King Solomon: *picks up a big ax* I will cut the child in two so that you can both have half! 

Gavroche: You're nuts! How did you get this job, anyway?

King Solomon: *smugly* I'm related to Jesus

Gavroche:v *smacks his forehead* D'oh!

Enjolras: Don't worry, Gavroche! I'll save you! *poses heroically* Now, let's see, I had a monologue prepared in case a chance for heroism came up today…*rummages in his pockets* Just wait a second, I'll find it…

Marius: Looks like it's up to…*pauses to don a cape* The Baron! *picks up Gavroche and plows right through a stained glass window* _Haha! Who's the Doltboy now, Fearless Leader?!_

Eponine: *sighs dreamily* Mmm, isn't he handsome in that cape? *runs after them* So long, suckers!

Enjolras: *pullsa handful of mushy paper out of his pocket* Fantine! You washed my 3x5 cards! Those had all my best monologues on them!

King Solomon: *rubs his head wearily* Court is adjourned.

__

Still to be continued…


	8. The Duel, Sort Of

Chapter Eight: The Duel…Well, Sort Of

Disclaimer: I own nothing mentioned in this chapter… Though I wouldn't really _want_ Celebrity Boxing…

__

Back at the Miz Cave…

Marius: *staggers in and puts Gavroche down* Hehe, I think we lost 'em

Gavroche: Quick, before he catches up to us, let's go find St. Peter. He likes you, he'll help us.

Marius: *awkwardly* Well…

Gavroche: What?

Marius: I don't think him and me are friends anymore. Back when I thought I was a baby, I kinda spit up on his shoes.

Gavroche: *sigh* Then I guess we'll have to just duke it out like men. *puts up his fists*

Marius: *sounding rather like Chuckie from the Rugrats* I don't know if this is such a good idea, Gav

Gavroche: You should a' thought of that before you jumped out the window.

Enjolras: *bursts through the door* Aha! I've got you now! *punches Marius* Surrender!

Marius: Do you have to wear so many rings?

Eponine: *catches up to them* You boys have no idea how to fight properly! *screams loudly*

Les Amis: *run inside*

Eponine: Haha! Works every time

Laigle: What's going on here?

Enjolras: Pontmercy stole my gamin!

Feuilly: Marius, is that true?

Marius: *panicking* It was Eponine's idea!

Eponine: Hey!

Jehan: I think there's only one way to settle this

Marius: Chutes and Ladders?

Jehan: No, a duel

Enjolras: We can't duel, you fool! Fantine and Eponine have taken away our pistols!

Jehan: *hurt* Well, there's no need for name-calling!

Enjolras: *by now, feeling very irritable* Oh, shut up

Jehan: Hey! *shoves Enjolras* Just because you're up for canonization doesn't give you any excuse to go around being nasty.

Enjolras: *shoves Jehan back* What are you going to do about it? *sarcastic*

Jehan: *struggling to work up some courage* I-I-I…challenge you to a duel!

Everyone: _WHAT?_

Jehan: *giddily slaps Enjolras with a glove* That's right! For once in his afterlife, Jean Prouvaire is going to put down his poetry and stand up for himself! *dances excitedly* 

Enjolras: *too stunned to be angry yet* _What?_

Jehan: You heard me, Apollo! *slaps him with the glove again* I feel so alive!

Marius: *discreetly leads Jehan aside* Jehan, please think this over. You know how Enjolras can be when his authority is challenged. *starting to squirm* And he always yells o much when he gets mad. Couldn't you just, maybe, write him a strongly-worded note or something?

Enjolras: *shoves over to Jehan and Marius* Now wait just a minute! I'm not a tyrant! My temper does not rule me! Whatever gave you such an idea?

Gavroche: *snicker* Oh really? Then why do you lock me into that cage in the Miz Cave every time I insult you?

Enjolras: *now quite furious* Shut _up! *_grabs Gavroche by the collar*

Jehan: Hey, put that gamin down!

Enjolras: *shoves Jehan* You just don't know when to quit, do you? Alright, fine, you'll get your duel. Fantine, bring my pistol!

Fantine: *massaging her temples, looking ready to explode* Marcelin, I'm only going to explain this one more time…*grabs his collar and shakes him violently* WE'RE DEAD, YOU IDIOT!!! DEAD!!! DIDN'T YOU EVEN _READ _THE FREAKING BOOK?!?

Feuilly: I have a solution to your problems, gentlemen.

Eponine: *breathes a sigh of relief* Ah, good old level-headed Feuilly. He'll calm everyone down.

Feuilly: I know a fighting style that doesn't need death to be macho

Jehan: What?

Feuilly: Well, I got this letter from Grantaire the other day. He wrote me about this thing called "TV" he and Cosette have discovered down on earth. He was very much impressed by something he saw on TV. I think he called it "Celebrity Boxing" Anyway, he described it in great detail. I could show you how.

Jehan: Sounds good to me

Enjolras: Do I get to use a carbine?

Feuilly: No

Enjolras: *downheartedly* Oh. Well, I guess I'm in anyway

Eponine: *sigh* Well, what are we going to do now?

Gavroche: *walking around with a vendor's box slung from his neck* Real authentic insurgent's teeth! Limited supply! Get your authentic insurgent's teeth, folks! *holds up pouches full of plastic Halloween teeth*

Marius: Well, I'm going to go and get M'sieur Bear. He'd be crushed if he missed the big event. 

Fantine: *yelling after Enjolras* Don't get any blood on your vest, Marcelin! It took me forever to get all the stains out of that thing!

__

A few hours later, a red and black boxing ring has been set up in the middle of the Miz Cave. All of the characters are gathered around, eating popcorn and cheering boisterously. Enjolras is in one corner of the ring, wearing a red and gold robe that looks something like his vest. In the other corner is Jehan, who is wearing a tie-dyed robe with purple flowers on it. Courfeyrac is in the center of the ring with a microphone

Courfeyrac: Hello, all you Mizzies out there, and welcome to…*he lets the crowd finish*

Crowd: REVOLUTIONARY BOXING!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!

Courfeyrac: In this corner, we have Jehan the Insurgent and in this corner…Enjolras the Insurgent…*sigh* You know, you guys really could have been more creative with your fighting names. You know, use internal rhyme or something catchy like that

Enjolras: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find something that rhymes with Enjolras?

St. Peter: *opens the door* I've been looking all over for you! *looks the situation over sadly* So, this is what you're up to. Beating each other to pulp. Really, I expected better from a pack of martyrs.

Everyone: *looks embarrassed*

St. Peter: I've been watching you people! Locking orphans into cages, holding shifty court interrogations, and now this! Well, we don't go in for that sort of thing here in heaven. I'm afraid you leave me no alternative *pushes a button on the wall, opening an enormous trapdoor beneath all of the characters, who plummet to their doom screaming*

*Splash*

Javert: *paddles over* Well, hello everyone! Welcome to the Seventh Circle. Valjean, old pal! We've got company.

Valjean: *smiles warmly* Hello all! So, St. Peter finally got sick of all of you too, huh?

*Everyone nods*

Javert: Well, don't worry. We'll show you the ropes, won't we Jean?

Valjean: Of course, Snookie, old buddy

Fantine: *stares incredulously* Buddy?

Javert: Oh, yes! Valjean is my bestest friend. Now that he's become a cheat and a liar, he's much easier to put up with. 

Valjean: And Snookie's not such a bully anymore, now that Britney Spears has taken away that stupid truncheon of his.

Montparnasse: *swims over to them* Hey Jean, hey Snookie. Oh, hello everyone! Newcomers, eh? Well, come on. *smiles politely* Nice to see you again, Eponine.

Eponine: Hey, Parnasse. *hugs Marius* This is my Baron, isn't he cute?

Gavroche: *swims over to Javert* I've missed you, Daddy!

Javert: *hugs Gavroche* I've missed you too, son. See, those swimming lessons I made you take are paying off, aren't they?

Enjolras: Well, so much for sainthood, eh Valjean?

Valjean: C'est la morte, I guess. Come on. I'll introduce you to all my friends. I think you'd get on well with this Jack the Ripper fellow I met the other day…

*A sudden swirl of mist clouds the view*

The Lark: *shakes her head groggily* Wha…where am I?

The Dentist: Alright, your teeth are finished.

The Lark: Wow, I was having the weirdest dream.

The Dentist: I told you not to listen to your walkman while under the influence of laughing gas!

The Lark: *takes off her walkman and ejects the Les Miz CD inside* Whew, what was I thinking?

__

Yep, it's finally over. Darn, now I'm going to have to find a new outlet for my insanity. Thank you for reviewing, everyone! 


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